You are listening to My Freedom Grove podcast with Gretchen Hernandez, episode 78.

Welcome to My Freedom Grove podcast. The all inclusive podcast that teaches mindset and business tools. We'll help you rise as your authentic self. Be unshakable with your emotional freedom and unstoppable in achieving any goal and living your purpose. I'm your host, Gretchen Hernandez. If you want to put your mental health first in life, relationships and business, you've come to the right place.

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Hi, my strong friends. This has been a very tough week for me. My younger son went off to college. This is his second year at Cal State Fullerton. But now that the pandemic restrictions have lifted, he finally gets to go down to the LA area. And I had some concerns for him being a freshmen.

So I was kinda happy that the first year he had to stay home because he wasn't quite 18 yet, but also he is gay. And honestly, I was worried about how other people would treat him. I'm always worried about people being bullies or just being rude out in the world.

And it's interesting when my first son went off to college, he went up to SAC state. That son is very conservative and he's going with his don't tread on me hat. And I was really worried about how he'd fit in because he has very different viewpoints than most of the world. And at SAC state, it was more of a liberal campus. And so I knew that anytime that my older son would open his mouth, he'd probably be offending people.

So here I am a mom with two kids that have very different viewpoints on the world and how they interact with people. And I was worried for both of them on how they would be treated by other people. And that's just kind of the nature of the world right now.

We've had a lot of division as far as our politics about our religion, about how we interact with each other. And it makes it not very safe to be around because you have some people that are very loud to the point of almost bashing each other over the head about their viewpoints. And I don't see as many people sitting down to just have conversations to learn about each other's viewpoints to allow each other to have these different viewpoints and different ways of approaching life.

That's why I'm super excited to bring in my guest today. Caroline Bjorkquist, also known as coach Caroline, helps conservative women to overcome their fears of what's happening out in the world today. She helps them to find their voice and open up and be able to have those conversations with and family, and probably even at work because we're even seeing this in work environments.

It's just not necessarily safe to share what your viewpoint is. And I've always been a Diversity Equity and Inclusion advocate. And I know that having that diversity of thought around the table helps us to come up with a lot better solutions. And I saw this as a problem at times in corporate environment is that you'd have group think where the majority opinion would be the only thing shared within a room. And as soon as someone started to share different life experiences or their different cultural experiences that other people would almost like gang up on them and shame them and make them be small and to be quiet, and this can have quite an impact on a person's mental health.

It can also have quite a negative impact on your business. As you are trying to create products and services that can really help your customers. You might be alienating people, and you might be missing out on a great opportunity to help large pools of people.

So open your mind, give people a chance, listen to their perspectives, listen to their pain points. Don't just assume that your pain points are their pain points and your dreams are their dreams. When we can listen to each other, we're going to learn so much more, and we're going to be able to create a better world for each other and better products and services, better culture, better environments to be in. It'll be a lot safer, a lot more friendly, a lot more collaborative. So let's get started. I would like to introduce you to Caroline Bjorkquist.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Caroline, thank you so much for joining us today. I have really enjoyed getting to know you over the last month, but can you introduce yourself to my audience, please?

 

Meet Caroline Bjorkquist

Caroline Bjorkquist:

So my name is Caroline Bjorkquist, and you can call me Coach Caroline. It's the easiest way to pronounce my name. And I like to say that I help conservative women overcome the fears of what's happening right now in the world. And empower them to basically live their best life. And I kind of a sub tagline of that is to basically open up conversations with their friends and families so they can have like Christmas again and not have to fight about politics. That's really would be my joy. Just have everybody get along again and have open, wonderful conversations. Like we used to when I was growing up.

Gretchen Hernandez:

I would love that in my family there's there has been some rifs from politics also. And sometimes, we're on the same side. It's just the different vocalizations and willingness to allow other people to have a turn to talk. It just doesn't happen.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

That's exactly what it is. And what tends to happen is we get so passionate. We're not around people after a year and a half, then we just, we speak out of turn. We get very emotional, and we get very what Adam Grant calls to be a preacher. And we start, you know, this is my identity. This is who I am. And if you try to dissuade me of that, then who am I? You try to take that from me then who I am? I, and it's not about that. It's really about just having a conversation, and maybe I'll learn something new. Just because we have a conversation does not mean you're going to change my views. It Does not mean I have to change my views.

Tip 1: Finding The 1 Nugget Of Agreement

Caroline Bjorkquist:

But like you said, at the, at the core of everything, there usually is a kernel that we can agree upon. Or there's nine out of 10 topics. There's nine of which we totally are in sync with. It's just that 10th topic. So you don't talk about that topic. Or you just agree to disagree.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Exactly! I remember being at a professional business women's conference in California, and I was talking with some folks next to me,, and gun control came up. And this has been like kind of a topic of stress in my house because one of my sons is very conservative, loves guns, and actually wants to design them. He's really great mechanical engineer going to school for it. And then, other people in my family who are very against guns.

Gretchen Hernandez:

I have a bit of a trauma response from seeing all of the school shootings. And so I'm like, well, let's get in and try to help the people that were the shooters to find out what was the pain behind it. Since there's so much like fighting back and forth and not just like in my family. And I don't know if I'd call it fighting, but just huge disagreements out in public. There's those huge disagreements, too. And I'm like, you, there's a kernel of something that we can all agree on is that we don't want anybody to die by gunfire.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Right. Yeah. You don't want children to be hurt at school. Right. So is you can look at both sides of the issue. You can take it from the standpoint of do you allow teachers to carry guns? But with that, you see, I believe in responsible gun control, right? And I do believe in the background checks and things like that.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

But that's what you have the conversation about is, yes. Do you believe that people should just willy nilly be able to get guns? No, absolutely not. Do you believe that there are other ways that we could care for the mental troubles that are coming up? It's the same.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I had heard a wonderful podcast recently. Was it a podcast or no? It was an interview with a gentleman named Jimmy Dore. He's a comedian, and he has a very similar background than mine. He's out of Chicago, right? He grew up youngest of 12 kids. He was the sixth kid.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And he was talking about police reform and the idea of defund the police. Now I'm very much like against defunding the police, don't defund the police. But I loved the way he talked about it. What he talked about was what he wanted to do was take the money that's going for more ammo, more guns, more armor and put it towards mental services. Bringing in social workers.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Now you'll have one side of the aisle say, "a social worker can't go to a gunfight." No, that's not his point. His point is if there's somebody that's holding someone hostage, yes, you bring the fire power, but you also bring a social worker. You also bring a negotiator; you bring some way to help that person navigate their stress. And his whole point is also helping, helping weed out the aggressiveness. Not that you are going to emasculate an officer, but help them bring the tools like life coaching to hold the space, and be able to listen to what's actually happening that's causing this rift in that family, to begin with.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Exactly. I love the idea.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

It changed my whole views. My whole point. Was it was like, oh wait. Yeah. Okay. We can both agree on that. And what it is is you can agree on the the idea that needs to be changed, but you disagree on the solution. You disagree, maybe on the policy or how it's going to get handled. Right? But at the end of the day, you can agree that our planet needs to be taken care of. Right. We can both agree on the planet needs to be taken care of. But someone might believe that wind and solar is the way. And I might believe that nuclear is a way. And maybe you're totally anti-nuclear, but at least we can agree that the planet that needs to be taken care of, let's just stop there.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Yeah. Well, and I love the idea about collaboration. It's like allow everybody to come to the table, peacefully take turns, talking about the different viewpoints because everybody's had different experiences. Everybody has learned from different sources. Let's just bring it all together. Almost like a potluck of ideas and just be like, okay, here's everything. It doesn't mean you have to eat from every dish that's there, but let's at least see everything that's there because we might be able to take a little bit from everything and create a solution that everybody loves.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And that is a wonderful analogy.

 

Tip 2: Think Like A Scientist

Caroline Bjorkquist:

The other analogy that I've heard of is go into these conversations. Like if you're going to go into that family conversation, try to go in as a scientist. Like, Hmm. I have a hypothesis; I think this, okay? So I'm going to kind of test the hypothesis. And the whole goal in science is to be proven wrong. You know, because if you're proven wrong, then you can have much clearer view on where you need to go, okay? If this is wrong, then I need to go here. And so on and so forth. But if you're proven right, that doesn't actually help you get to the answer quicker, if that makes sense. Being around, being in that bubble of people that are just going to tell you, you're right, doesn't help you. By being proven wrong, you actually get a stronger sense of a solution.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

So I like to look at it as what can I learn here? What could I find out? What could I learn that I didn't know before?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And I guess when it comes to politics right now, and gun control is a hot topic, but the biggest hot topic that I'm dealing with, which is why I say conservatives, is because we feel like we tend to think, and it's all in our thoughts that were being persecuted. Right. And is that the case? Possibly not. Okay. It's just your thoughts; it’s your anxiety. If you go at it that you're gonna open up a thought to it.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

What I try to do is switch it around and say, okay, let's take another hot topic. Let's take religion. Right? Would, would you go up to somebody and say, "you're a Mormon. I don't like Mormons. Get out of my house; you’re a Mormon." No!

Caroline Bjorkquist:

So what makes you think that somebody's going to do that? And if they did do that for you, You're a Biden supporter, get out of my house. You're a Biden supporter, right? No. So treat people. That’s what I'm trying to do. That's what I'm trying to say. If you wouldn't do that about religion, why would you do that about politics? Yeah.

Gretchen Hernandez::

That's a very good point.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Yeah. I'm going to say one of the other tricks I use, I try to teach people is not only about trying to come in from a scientist perspective, but we try and another way to do it is to try to disconnect. So that, that tool of looking at politics versus religion is if I wouldn't condemn you for your religion, why would I condemn you about your politics? Right.

 

Tip 3: Cheese For Harmony

Caroline Bjorkquist:

But I also take that to something. I think I mentioned this in an early conversation with you. Totally benign. Right? So if somebody comes after me and is going to start coming after me, for what I believe from a political standpoint, I try to take a step back and say, well, what if they were going after me for what I'm eating? Like cheese. I hate cheese. I can't believe you are eating cheese. You need to stop eating cheese. Dairy is bad for you. You know, they just started being very, very passionate about cheese. Right?

Gretchen Hernandez:

And I've seen that happen a lot with vegans.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Yeah.

Gretchen Hernandez:

And in both ways, right. There's people that are really harsh towards people that are vegan. And then there's some vegans who are really harsh towards people that are not vegan.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Right. But do you get scared to go to a restaurant because you're afraid you're going to be like, that's what I'm talking about. People will go into work and be like, well, they're going to come me for my politics. So what? Are you afraid to go to a restaurant because a vegan is going to come up to you and say, you can't have meat? No, you'd say, well, that's your choice. I'm going to choose to have meat or that you don't like cheese. I like cheese. Right?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

So if somebody starts attacking you at work or at home, because you're choosing this be okay, it's your choice. You have that. Right. And, and I try to get them to get out of that whole, like, what would you do? Give the cheese as sort of a benign thing. Like, I wouldn't, I wouldn't let you tell me not to eat cheese. I'll eat cheese. Right?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

It's the same kind of thing is I wouldn't, I wouldn't take it personally if you came after me because I was eating cheese. So why would I take it personally? Because you came after me because of who I voted for, right? Right.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Cause we're all just humans.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Yeah. That's the point. Yeah.

Gretchen Hernandez:

If we're all just standing there in a field, not doing anything, we're all just standing there. Not even talking; we’re all humans. And we can just be present with each other and just like, look around and have unconditional love even for each other. It's as we start opening our mouth that then people start going, well, wait a minute. You believe something different than me—it kind of goes to that.

 

Tip 4: Two Realities From The Same Ball

Gretchen Hernandez:

Have you seen that picture of a six that's drawn and there's two figures on each side? So one person saying it's a six and the other person on the other side saying it's a nine, and they're arguing over it?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

No, but that is, that's one of the things I talk about. I talk about a ball that one side is red and the other side is blue. Or you could even say that you're at a light and you see red and the other person sees green. Right? And you're like going; I’m stopping. And they're honking at you, and you're going, it's red, and they're going, no, it's green. And you're going, no, it's red.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

But like in that field, where I grew up, you never talked about politics, religion, or sex. Those were just taboo subjects. And that's because everybody has an opinion. Right.

Gretchen Hernandez::

So what if you were in a room and you couldn't talk about politics, religion, or sex? What would you talk about? You see, what do you do? Do you have kids? Oh, that's really interesting. You're a teacher, or you're a social worker, or you're a life coach. That's really wonderful. How do you help people? Oh, you have five kids, or you have two kids, or you have no kids. We have to get back to being able to talk to people as though you would face to face. As though you would being at a cocktail party. Right? Treating people like humans then. And I feel like what I've been trying to tell people is stop shaking the jar.

 

Tip 5: Stop Shaking The Ant Jar

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Can I tell you the ant story? There's a wonderful... I can't take credit for it; it’s like a proverb or something. If you put red ants and black ants in a jar, they will live very nicely. It's better. They have no problems with each other. They'll just co-habitate and hang out in their little jar.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

But if you take a jar and shake it, they will begin to go to war and rip each other apart. The idea is that the media, our social construct, our life right now is being shaken by outside forces. And that's what's tearing us apart.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And if you start realizing that the jar is being shaken by circumstances that are beyond your control and that you can't deal with that, you can't change. The only thing I could do is how I'm handling that. And so, how do I bring peace to my life? I think peace, empathy, love, compassion through trying to, trying to learn something new about this person. Oh, that's really fascinating that you don't believe in gun control. Okay. I currently, you know, I, maybe I have a gun. Maybe my husband has a gun. Why is that? That's really curious. What, what brought you to that belief? How were you, how were you, what experience did you have that brought you to that realization? You can learn some fascinating things about people.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I have met the most interesting people by simply using the phrase "I help conservative women."

Gretchen Hernandez:

Oh my gosh. I can only imagine.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Just saying that, it's amazing. So I had, I think I told you about this. I had one woman come back to me and say, oh, I'm in a gay marriage. I'm like, great.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I had another one say I'm super liberal. I'm like, cool. That's fantastic. Right. I think you even said you know; I have a very, I have a very open family. Right? You have a rainbow family. And I was like, wonderful. I want to hear more. And as soon as I explained that, just by saying conservative, it evokes these, these weird connotations, just like it would be, if you came to me and said, I help liberal women. I'd be like, Ooh, I'm conservative. Right? Yeah.

 

Tip 6: What Is Holding Space?

Gretchen Hernandez:

Well, the funny thing was when I first started accepting private clients. So I was still working in corporate at the time as corporate coach. The people that were coming to me were conservative men. And I, and I remember just my mind just couldn't process that I was like, okay. So I'm, you know, I have a lot of left-wing ideas and beliefs in supporting of that policy, but I am more about like peace and bringing everybody together.

Gretchen Hernandez:

And I like to listen to, you know, everybody's different sides. But when you're a coach, it's not about you sharing what your political views are. It's, you're making space to allow people to share. And so it was all conservative men coming. And I thought this is so fascinating. And then some of the ways that they would be sharing with me after a while, they made the assumption that I shared all of their same beliefs with them.

Gretchen Hernandez:

And that I believed in the same policies. And I thought, huh, that's really interesting. And at the time it, it wasn't relevant for me to say, oh no, actually my beliefs are all this, that. And the other thing, because my job as a coach is to hold space for them. And what I learned from them was that they didn't feel safe anywhere else, sharing their voice, sharing their opinions, sharing their ideas. And I thought I feel so honored that they trust me enough to be so open and to share everything because it was causing some mental health struggles on their part.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Exactly. And, and what's so beautiful is that I guarantee if after a period of time, you know, now they trust you. They get to know you if with the same love and attention, and openness that you listened to them. If it did, you know, outside of the coaching world, they were to find out that you have a more liberal stance on things, but you didn't judge them. They would be like, wow, thank you. Now I want to hear about your side of things because you were so open and honest to listen to me.

Gretchen Hernandez::

Now, I'm going to be open and honest to listen to you because that's the only way we're ever going to come together. That is it. If we don't start showing our fellow man and woman love and attention and just holding that space for them, we all need to be heard.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I think that is the biggest problem that's happening to our society right now. When you listen to a lot of different, I've been trying to listen to a lot of different thoughts about things. At the end of the day, we just all want to be heard. And so right now, it's the loud, angry voices that are getting the clicks and that are getting the attention. And so we all feel like, oh, wow, that's a lot, right. Can't speak up because I can't fight against that loudness, or I can't afford to lose my job. So I can't stand with that person. And I want to show people that first, that's just, that's just a small percentage of the population, right?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

It's the fringe on either side, but it's, you know, that fringe on either side that the new innovative things come through. It's, it's when we get  the iPhones of the world, whatever you think about the iPhone, it's how you get the NASA, you know, trips to space. It's how you get the innovative ways of thinking. So you can't silence, silence the fringe, but when somebody does stand up for something, whether you agree with them or not, that took courage.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And maybe you do agree with them, but you can't afford to lose your job. So maybe you don't want to wear masks at work, but you don't have the wherewithal to stand up against it, but maybe take that person to lunch. Maybe just send them a note and say, Hey, I really can't stand with you on this because I have to, I have to keep my job. But I want you to know that you're not alone. And I appreciate you being so strong in that that took a lot of courage. Thank you.

 

Tip 7: And Then COVID...

Gretchen Hernandez:

Yeah. I have a friend I just got to see this weekend. So great. I haven't seen her in a while. She was fired from her job a couple months ago because she wouldn't take a COVID test. And so it wasn't even the vaccine. It was a COVID test, but also it's her body. Right. She gets to choose what happens to her body. And the company also had a right to choose of, okay. But this is what we feel is safer. The environment that we want to create for our employees. And so it's almost like, do you remember Gwenyth Paltrow talking about a conscious uncoupling as opposed to a divorce?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

No, I don't remember that, but I think I've heard of the concept of a conscious uncoupling. Go ahead. Yeah.

Gretchen Hernandez:

So it's the concept of that you just realize that you want different things, right? That's like you don't hate each other. You don't want to fight with each other. It's just, you have different things that you want for yourself. And so my friend, she wanted to have her body left alone and she really valued that. And yes, it's unfortunate that she got fired from her job, but she, she consciously also chose that because she knew that that was a possible consequence.

Gretchen Hernandez:

They had been having these negotiations for about three months of them trying to convince her to take the test because she had been working there. I want to say like 18 years or something, she just got to the point where she's like, it is more valuable to me to respect my body and to stand up for myself than to have a paycheck.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Her husband is having a hard time with it, but she did this for herself. And I came in, I was just so proud of her. And I gave her a huge hug and it's like, we have very different beliefs and things. We have some things that are definitely in common, but I was so proud of her for doing such a brave thing for herself, standing up for herself saying, no, this is what's right for me. Because there will be that right combination fit for her for an employment where it does align with everything that she wants for herself.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And then for her, then I feel for her husband, because maybe he can't speak up, he needs the job or, or he now he's the breadwinner. And so, that's where I want to help those people because now they have to maybe do something that doesn't. It's maybe not something it's not who I am so I can do it and not lose integrity, but I don't want to do it. Right. Why do I have to do it right?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And so, well, that's, that's a hard choice. And, and can you, can you live with yourself? Can you make it through work? Can you, can you not have it affect how you do your job? How you handle the people around you? I think you can, but you need that safe space, like you talked about. Where you can talk to somebody about it, where you can vent or have somebody give you your thoughts about it, because you can truly change your thoughts about it.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I have a very dear friend that is very passionate about mask wearing right now. And so she is posting a lot about please wear your mask. And if you don't wear your mask, please get vaccinated. And it doesn't matter whether or not I agree with the masks or don't agree with the mask or agree with vaccinations, don't agree with vaccinations.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I actually know her well enough to know that it could be the flu season,; you and she would be all up on her Facebook page saying, wash your hands. You guys don't come to my house if you have the sniffles. Stay the heck home if you're sick. It's just who she is. So I just kind of go that's who she is. That's she would be screaming to me to wear a mask if it was 2018 and we all had the flu, right? So this is who she is. I'm not going to take it personally.

 

Tip 8: How Can You Not Take It Personally?

Gretchen Hernandez:

Yeah. And that the taking it personally. So you and I both have a favorite teacher, Don Miguel Ruiz. And he has a book, The Four Agreements. And one of the very first agreements is don't take things personally.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

That is so huge. And what I love about that is if you go back, if you look at all four, right? The first is be true to your word. Be impeccable to your word. Right? So that goes back to, can I be impeccable to my word? Can I decide what I'm going to do? Am I okay with that? If I say, you know, your friend, she couldn't do that. Right. She needed to just leave her job but be impeccable to your word.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

But then the next one, and I'm going to mess them up, is, before the don't take anything personally, it's, don't make assumptions. Yes. Right? So don't make assumptions about what's happening. And he goes on to talk about the the movie that we're all in, right? That we're the director, we're the script writer. So, on the one hand, you can't make an assumption because it's your story.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

You're the lead of your story. And so, the reverse is true. If you're the lead in your story, you could be the total antagonist of that other person's story. So you can't take it personally. And that's what I love about that is it's not just the negative. It's also the positive.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

If you're not going to listen, if you're not going to listen when somebody says something bad about you, you also can't get your head filled with too much if they say a bunch of good stuff about the either. You just got to say; it’s all up to me. It's what I believe. Yeah.

Gretchen Hernandez:

There's some people that'll hear someone tell them something positive, and they'll automatically turn it into, oh, they're saying this because, and they make it a negative. And it's like, no, really? They're just giving you a compliment.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Yeah. That's where you kind of get to go. Do you see how you're making an assumption? Yeah. Those four agreements. I love those words.

Gretchen Hernandez:

There was something that he had described. And I can't remember if it was in that book or one of the other ones, because he brought in his son at one point too. And so, I think his son came up with this analogy that you can have the same movie playing in six different theaters. So you go into like a multiplex and they're like, imagine that you have this story and it's playing. But each theater that you go into is showing that movie from a different person's perspective.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Yes.

Gretchen Hernandez:

And I was like, oh my gosh. So I started trying to practice that I would sit there in my corporate environment. And I just like, look at one person and try to imagine, what does it look like through their eyes? And then I switched to another person it's like, okay. So what is it through their eyes? And what's important to them?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Yeah. So maybe that's, that's a brilliant way of thinking about it is because maybe from your perspective, you're like, oh, I look so frumpy today. I didn't put on makeup. Or I'm sitting outside,, and I'm hot. And then you're looking at it from the other person's perspective. And if you really could, would they see you as glamorous, and the air is flowing. You know what I mean? Wow. I didn't think I looked that thin. Wow. That's really crazy.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Or, or they see you as big and powerful, and yes, that's amazing. Another way to look at it. And you brought this up with the table. There's a podcast recently that talked about this. If I think it was Amy Latta, I don't know if you listened to her.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

She talked about if you have a table full of all these different foods, right? All these different tools and things. Right? And I put my table, I put my plates, and you take your plates. Your plates don't look anything like my plates.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Yeah. That's a good point.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Okay. So we're all in this big thing of life. Right. And we're all looking at things. But my plate's going to look different. It's going to have my beliefs and my ideas, and my perspective of the world. And how I was brought up and where I was brought up. Right? I love when he talks about all of those beliefs that get brought into your into your world without you even knowing it, and you are acting on those.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And that's where I love the concept of unconscious bias is so important. Right?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And there are right now conservatives that are freaking out, and I'm like, whoa, back it up. What was the point of teaching some of the critical race theory? Was to show you unconscious biases. Okay. They took it. And in some cases, they've blown it out of proportion. And I get that. But if you go back to its kernel of what it was trying to teach you, it’s trying to show you that without realizing it, you're walking into situations with your own beliefs, your own preconceived notions, your own thing, running in your head. And you're making assumptions that you don't even know you have.

 

Tip 9: Want People To Be Kinder?

Gretchen Hernandez:

One of the things that I like to think about is triggers. We don't realize that how we show up in the world can be a trigger to somebody else.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Yes. Like I had a friend tell me, it's like, he used to tell me that I was walking through this... I was having difficulty with some people. And he said, you're walking down the hall with a backpack full of hand grenades, and they're dropping out of your backpack. And you have no idea that you're blowing up crap behind you.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And I was like, yeah, I know. And it was simply because I would say something that triggered somebody, and they didn't have enough wherewithal to talk to me about it. Yeah.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Yeah. Because they were already triggered and then to come and try to tell you, please don't do that, it triggers me. It's like, oh that in itself is a trigger.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

It takes strength, and it takes courage and stuff like that. But yeah. Think about it. Think about you're walking through the world, and you have a backpack, and you're just lighting off bombs behind you.

Gretchen Hernandez:

And you don't even know. There was a gentleman that I talked to; I want to say January of 2020. And this was before George Floyd incident, which we know is incredibly tragic and created a lot of conversation. We'll just put it that.

Gretchen Hernandez:

But he and I were talking, and he was saying that as a black man, he had a really hard time when he'd walk into a store, and he's a kind, educated, non-threatening person. He walks in, and there would be a mother with her child that would look up, see him. And he would see her grab her purse tighter and curl her kid in tighter to her and how that would make him feel.

Gretchen Hernandez:

And I thought, oh my gosh, she may not even be aware that she was doing that because sometimes we just have these knee-jerk reactions, but we might also have something that has happened in our past that we really went through ourselves where that was scary for us. But now we see someone who's totally unrelated, but it triggers us in some way.

Gretchen Hernandez:

So becoming very aware of what are our triggers, right? Because she was triggered and he was triggered. They both were, how can we get to a world where we're resolving those triggers? And that's what I love about life coaching so much. Is that we can do that.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Well. And so that, what I want to take to that is the assumption he has is that she did that because he's a black man. What if it's just because he's a man. Yeah. What if it had nothing to do with the color of his skin? It could not. It could totally be because he's black, but it couldn't be because of the color of the skin.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And when people, and I have said this before, I've been one of those people that I'm like, I'm not racist. I was not raised racist, but I saw this wonderful conversation where it had, where you had everybody standing in a field, black, white, all the different colors. And, and they said if you would you be willing to now be black and live in the society right now today as a black person, raise your hand.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And if you can't say, yeah, I'd do that. Then there's something going on, and we need to have more conversation about it. Does that mean we have to burn everything down and start over? No, it means we just need to talk about it.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Because if I'm not willing to put up my hand and say, I'm willing to live as a black woman, then I know that there's something going on. And the same is true for like, I've talked to my husband. My husband happens to be a white man. Right? So we've talked about the idea that he's like, I don't see why there's such a big problem. And then like, if you've never crossed the street because it's a man, any color, creed or sex was walking. I'm walking down the street, and immune is walking towards me. Nine and a half times out of 10, I will cross the street because I am a woman walking alone.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

It doesn't matter his color it's because I was raised to be sensible, cross the street. Right? And it has nothing to do with the color of their skin. But I kind of want to say; you’ve never experienced that? You have no idea what that feels like to walk down the street and, or, to have an elevator open up in a beautiful high-rise in the middle of Chicago and see seven big men football players going down to go grab a cab and go see the football game at Soldier Field. And you are a five foot six woman. And my immediate thought when I saw that open up was I'll take the next elevator. Yeah.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Were they drinking? I don't know where they, I can't remember their color. I just remember it was a lot of men in an elevator, and I would've had to squish into there, and the hairs went up on the back of my neck.

Gretchen Hernandez:

So my point is just that to be open to yourself, give yourself grace. If somebody comes back and starts coming at, you stay in your integrity of being impeccable to your word and being, no, I don't believe I'm racist; I or I don't believe, I don't believe in getting vaccinated and don't want to take the COVID test. I don't want something shoved up my nose. And I'm okay with that. And that too shall pass. The mob will pass. What should matter to you is yourself, your family, right? And your immediate friends, because at the end of the day, that's really all that's going to count.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

The mobs on Twitter and Facebook. And even at your church, aren't going to pay your bills and aren't going to keep your kids safe. It's up to you.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And that's where going back to my friend that posts about stuff. I don't like wearing masks, but I'll tell you right now, she would say, Hey, come on over, friend. I would have a mask on. If that's what she needed because she's my friend. And I respect her. So that's, that's that whole, you know, kind of seeing your circle.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And if I don't want to wear a mask at Walmart, fine, but I'm going to wear it for my friend. Does that make sense?

Gretchen Hernandez:

It does make sense. And I love that you shared that because our world has been so divided, and a lot of friendships and families have been separated over conversations like this. You know, different choices that people want to make. But sometimes the choice is, do you want to have the relationship with that person?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Yeah.

 

Tip 10: Real Tangible Friendships vs. Social Media Friends

Gretchen Hernandez:

And if that's a burning desire, it's like, yeah, I do want to have a relationship with that person. And if this is what it takes. I have that choice. Am I willing to do that? So I can have that relationship with this person.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Well, and I think that was the other thing that got me when everything started getting really hot around the election is I looked at my Facebook. And at the time, I had like 1500 friends, and it was because I used to sell in a multi-level marketing. So everybody became a friend. Right? So I did everything like that.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And I started looking through, and I thought, would I still be friends with you If you lived in my neighborhood? Do I like what you're posting? Do I like who you are? Do I want to keep you in my life? If there were no social media, would we still be friends? I brought it down to about 300 people. Most of them I hadn't even engaged with. Okay. And a lot of them, I had only became friends with, to sell to them. Right?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

So that's the other thing. If you're on social media and you're like, oh my God, my neighbor, he was so rude to me. Okay. Well, he lives down there. Yeah. Maybe down the street or something. Or have you ever been to his house? Do you even want to go to his house? Are you friends with his kids? No. Then, who cares? You wouldn't be friends with them in real life.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I live in a nice neighborhood, there's probably about 80 people that live in the neighborhood, and I probably don't get along with any of them. And that's okay. Yeah. I didn't move in here because of my neighbors. I moved into here because I love my house. I love the land. Right? And so I have a couple of neighbors, the one right behind me, the one across the street, we try to say, hi, we're friends with.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I wouldn't even go over to their house if they asked me; I’m just not that type of person. So why should I be upset? Because I wasn't invited to a thing or because they disagree on what colors the decoration should be, or should we have decorations?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I wanted to bring this to people is take a step back and ask yourself, would I be upset about this a week for now? Would I be upset about this a month from now? Will I be upset about this five years from now? Is this really something that you want to blow your world up? And maybe it is, maybe it is that important to you.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Talking to someone this morning, and she was talking about having difficulty with her mother. Her mother happens to be very, very religious. And though she's very spiritual, she's not that religious. And she gets really upset with her mother because her mother is always talking about, you need to pray. You need to pray. You need to pray. You need to pray to the point that you're crying. I want you to pray to the point that you're crying. And she was talking about how she just kind of goes, okay, now you've gone too far.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And so I backed it out to her, and I said, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. You believe in manifestation, don't you? You believe you can manifest things with your thoughts, right? I said, why isn't manifestation the same as prayer? And the best way to manifest something is to feel it in your bones, right? To feel that belief as though it's already happened, isn't that all she's talking about? And she goes, I never looked at it that way.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Sometimes if you just like, kind of take a step back and say, wait, I can see where you're coming from. I don't call it prayer. I call it manifesting. I don't call it doing it until you're crying, but feeling it in your bones, it's really important. When you're going to manifest something. Right?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And so it was just really interesting when, when you look at things from a different perspective, and that's what I try to do. I really try to look at something and say, is this, is this something that I would have in my life outside of social? Is this something that I would have a fight? If you were standing in front of me, but I have this discussion with you. If you were standing in front of me? And if I wouldn't, if I wouldn't confront you about it because it doesn't feel that important to me, then why am I going to do it now? Why am I going to blow this up right now?

Gretchen Hernandez:

Yeah. That's a good point. That's a good point. Yeah. I don't know about you, but I prefer to have harmony in my life. It's like, I just want to enjoy the other people's company. They're allowed to believe whatever they want to believe.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

That's what's so crazy. That's that whole ant thing is that I believe 90% of us do. Yeah. 90% of us do, but we get behind the computer, or we get into our little groups. And just like if we go to a little church service and we all get together, it was like that in high school. Right. We could all get to our little table, and our table believes the same thing. Yeah. And our table, we were going to be against that table, right?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

We're the cool kids, and that's what we believed, or we're the nerds or whatever it is. We have these little tribes, and I loved, maybe you were this way, but I was the one that got along with all the tribes and maybe that's what makes us great life coaches, because it's like, oh, I was in band, and I was in drama club, but I also had friends that were like, I was also in advanced physics.

Gretchen Hernandez:

I was in the model United Nations club, so it was all about learning the different perspectives of all of the different countries and then taking a stand for them if I had to represent them, even if it was against what I believed in.

Gretchen Hernandez:

I was also part of our Supreme court. So anytime there was an election, I had to go in front of all of the classrooms to send out all of the vote, the ballots and collect it. And I didn't get a choice or a voice into telling them who they should vote for. My job was just to be there, to collect their votes, count them up and then say what the decision was. Right. So everybody knew me, and I tried to know them, but we had 2,500 people in our High School.

Gretchen Hernandez:

I love humans. I just want to know people and enjoy them. But yeah, there's the ones that I keep and we are close. It's a smaller group, but I love everybody. I just prefer to spend time with, you know, a smaller group, like all the time.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

That's what I'm trying to say is they're the ones that you should be focused on. Like it or not your co-workers, the vast majority are probably, yes, you spend 40 hours a week with them. I get that. But how many jobs have you left that you thought that person in you were going to be? Oh,, you were so tight. You're not friends anymore.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I had my own business, and I had people that I worked with that I thought, you know, I let them, they had to leave to go work somewhere else. And I thought we got along great. Never heard from them. And that's just life.

 

THE TRUTHBOMB

Caroline Bjorkquist:

So that's kind of what I want people to realize. Especially when it comes to some of this stuff with work in schools. I have those 300 friends. Maybe 50 of them are from high school. And the only reason why we're talking is because they happen to be on Facebook. It's not cause we kept in touch outside of college.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

The things that matter to you today that are that you are getting all up... I remembered what it was. Here we go.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Things that are getting you upset today, the things that are making your life crazy. Do I wear a mask? Do I not wear a mask? Do I have to get vaccinated? I can't believe she posted something about Trump. I can't believe she agrees with Biden. All of that stuff. Right? All of this stuff that's giving you drama and you're going to love this is probably buffering something else.

Gretchen Hernandez::

When I'm talking to you, we can get over all your thoughts about the vaccine. We can get over all your thoughts about going back to work and whether you're wearing a mask or whether you believe everybody should be wearing a mask, whatever you believe. At the end of the day, you are probably just avoiding something else you don't want to look at.

Gretchen Hernandez::

Is it your weight? Is it your money? Is it your relationship with your husband? Is it your relationship with your mother? Is it your own mortality? Whatever it is, you are letting that out. Those outside circumstances rule your thoughts.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Oh my gosh. Wow. That right there is just like that. You just dropped... That was a huge one. That was a huge one. So tell me what are all of the ways that you work with people?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

So right now it's just one-on-one,, so I'm considering group coaching because a lot of the women I talk to, they all have sort of the same things going on. A lot of the women I speak to are coming to me or are reaching out because they feel so alone. Right? Like you would talk to them about the conservative men. Same with the conservative women. They feel very alone. They feel like they can't have a voice. Nobody agrees with them.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And so right now, it's just one-on-one, but I'm hoping to eventually create a group.

 

Join The Conversation

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And if you do, follow me on Instagram or Facebook. On Facebook, it's Coach Caroline. But on Instagram, it's Caroline Bjorkquist.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I am looking at creating a Locals group.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Locals is a social platform, but they don't sell any of your data. So you could come into my group. And if I choose to charge like $5 a person, a percentage of that goes to pay the Locals. Right? And that's how they keep the data clean. And then, because it's a paid group, you don't get the trolls in there.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Somebody is not going to pay $5 to come in and tell you off. So, my goal in Locals would be a group called "Having Tough Conversations." But my idea would be to open it up to multiple ideas of women speaking. Bring in more the liberal thoughts, bring in more open-minded thoughts. Let's have conversation in a controlled environment where maybe I coach you through it.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And it doesn't become this attack. Or this thing about means.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

How do you learn to learn from each other, share different books, share different podcasts, share different long-form content from other sources? Like I really want it to be kind of bi-partisan and open sources where you can learn from each other.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Because I think that's honestly like a lot of the relationships, I have right now in my life. I have quite a few liberal friends. And when we have these conversations, just like you and I are, and they're like, oh, I think the same way. And what they, what they say to me though, is that yeah, but you educate yourself, you read so I can talk to you because I feel like, you know what I mean? And I go, no, no, no, no, no. We all should be reading it. Shouldn't just be me reading your site.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Are you reading my site? Are you listening to the podcasts that I listen to? Or are you listening to some to conversations that would make you uncomfortable so that you can learn something new?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And there are so many of them that are breaking away from the media right now, where you can learn all sorts of different sides of an issue. And you would be amazed that you probably would like a hundred percent agree with both sides, but you're going to choose which one you want to go with. And that's okay. Because you're coming from an informed decision.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Oh, I love that concept. I hope that you do that. And I hope that you tell me about it so I can jump in.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

I'm hoping to do it. I've already created it. I just have to create some content for it. So hopefully, maybe by the time this podcast comes out, it'll be out.

Gretchen Hernandez:

That would be great. And you have a podcast too. What's the name of it?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

It's called Having Tough Conversations. Basically. That's how you find me is search anything, having tough conversations, because that's what I'm all about.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And on my Instagram channel and having tough conversations, I really do try to take these tips and go in deeper as to what's what's happening. Like, what are your thoughts? What are your feelings? And when I do read these fantastic books, Think Again is a great one by Adam Grant. I highly recommend it. But when I find these books, I try to share them, and I try to share my thoughts and takeaways from it. So that hopefully, you'll come out of there with more tools to have a better conversation with your friends and family.

Gretchen Hernandez:

I love that. I have really appreciated you coming and taking the time to have a conversation with me, but also to share out to our audience, not just my audience, right? This is our audience. We combine together because I think we both want all that harmony in the world.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Yeah. And what I love is, just so you know, I don't think it comes from a place of weakness. I think we both are very strong, women that will speak out when we need to. And we're quiet when we need to be as well. You don't always have to be a social justice warrior to make change. That's the other thing I want to tell people is sometimes just by listening to somebody, you can have a profound effect on their life. And you've shown that.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Thank you. Thank you. And so have you, so have you.

Gretchen Hernandez:

We have some entrepreneurs that listen to our podcast, and you and I are both entrepreneurs. Is there a piece of advice that you can share with them that you think would really help them as they're forming their new businesses?

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Remember that? So what's been holding me back and what I've been really working on getting confidence is you're always afraid, especially when you start, that everybody is listening to you and everybody can see you.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And if there's one thing that Don Miguel showed us is that they aren't, they are looking at themselves. You can put something out there, and three people will see it. And it's only going to be the four followers you have. Right? So don't be afraid. And what I've been doing recently to make myself a lot less afraid when I'm putting myself out there into the world and trying to find my voice is I went, I found a couple of influencers that I really like. You know there's some young ladies, and I'm like, oh, I really love how she does it. Ahh, her Instagram is so cool.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And I went all the way back to the very first Instagram. Like I went all the way back, and I'm looking, and it's like, I think one of them, both of them were like 2011. And if you get back to about four years ago and suddenly that beautiful Instagram becomes kind of normal Instagram, and then it becomes even like less like, oh wow, you have a beautiful house. Now you have a normal house. Like, it looks like almost, oh my gosh. I think you had a double wide back in 2011, right? No offense against double-wides; they’re big. They can be very big houses, right. There could be 2000 square feet.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

But my point is you just start scrolling back, and you go, oh, you didn't have a pool back in 2011. Oh, you didn't have that beautiful hairstyle. You had a normal hairstyle. And you had normal kids.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And you were posting, and you had two likes on that second post you did with you and your dog. Right. And it wasn't until you started posting more and posting more consistently and having a voice and putting things out there, and people started finding you, and you started growing your lists, that things then eventually took off. And yes, now she has 2.5 million followers, and she does, do Instagram lives and, and post things about skincare. And she looks amazing.

Gretchen Hernandez:

But I can tell you two years ago, she wasn't amazing. And that's okay. So you've got to just start and just be okay with that. That's that's the biggest thing is people aren't looking at you. And by the time they start looking at you, by this time, they start actually following you. You're gonna find your way. You're going to find your voice.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Thank you. That resonates with me so much.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

We forget because we're so in our own movies. We forget that, you know, that the movies playing in that other theater and you're just like the background live that they're putting on their screen and they're actually having a fight with their husband.

Gretchen Hernandez:

That can be very true.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

And you think that what you said was either so controversial or so profound and, she liked it or she enjoyed it or, but it didn't didn't make a dent either way. Or maybe it didn't make a huge dent, but she didn't reach out and tell you.

Gretchen Hernandez:

That's true. That's true. I like to think that one. It helps. It helps me to keep going, even on the tough days.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Well, yeah, you have to, in that same token, remember that. When was the last time that you got on your computer and went to Yelp or to wherever to say that was the best meal ever? No. You usually go on to Yelp or usually go onto those sites, or you usually find the Facebook page so that you can say I had lousy service. That was the worst thing ever. That anger drives you.

Caroline Bjorkquist:

Displeasure is what gets you off the couch? Like discomfort. When you're happy, you don't think, oh, I'm going to go post that all over Facebook. I'm so happy. I'm going to go tell that person how happy I am. I'm going to go share that with the world. So that's why it's really important not to take anything personally, especially anything negative, because it's so much easier to post negative things. It's just easier. Yeah.

Gretchen Hernandez:

That's a very good point, Caroline. Thank you so very, very much. It's always a pleasure, and I can't wait to see you in person in November in Texas. Yeah. You are going to be like joined at the hip, even if you don't want to be right there with you.

Gretchen Hernandez:

All right, Caroline, have a great day.

Gretchen Hernandez::

Have a good one.

Gretchen Hernandez:

Did you notice how much fun Caroline and I have with each other? We may have different political views, but we can have a fantastic, amazing friendship. We can collaborate in business. We can, together, help make this world a better place. You have that opportunity too. You just might need a little bit of help and support along the way so that you feel comfortable sharing your voice and also listening to other people.

Gretchen Hernandez:

So I highly encourage you to reach out to Caroline, get her support in your journey. My strong friends. I hope you have a great week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.

 

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Thank you for listening to My Freedom Grove Podcast. I can't wait to work with you directly. I'll help you to be your authentic self, to have amazing relationships and to live your purpose. I invite you to check out Unshakable Men and Unshakable Women. The Unshakable Programs will give you all of the tools, the coaching and the community to help you rise in life, relationships, and business. To learn more, go to myfreedomgrove.com/workwithme. I can't wait to see you there.