You are listening to My Freedom Grove podcast with Gretchen Hernandez, episode 77.

Welcome to My Freedom Grove podcast. The all inclusive podcast that teaches mindset and business tools. We'll help you rise as your authentic self. Be unshakable with your emotional freedom and unstoppable in achieving any goal and living your purpose. I'm your host, Gretchen Hernandez. If you want to put your mental health first in life, relationships and business, you've come to the right place.

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Hi, my strong friends, you are in for such a treat today. I'm going to introduce you to my new friend, Jay Pryor, and you're going to learn so much. We're going to cover multiple topics. We're going to talk about business models. We're going to talk about what it's like to be a parent of a child with special needs. We're going to talk about changing the world through the things that we have gone through, what we've experienced, and also some activism.

So as you know, I'm an LGBT advocate, a mental health advocate, and diversity, equity, and inclusion advocate, several different things. So is Jay. And that is how Jay and I were able to meet each other. In the coaching world, we have a variety of ways that we can help people. It could be individually. It could be in a community setting. It could be in corporations.

I was presented with an opportunity last year with a federal corporation, where their head of diversity equity and inclusion reached out to me. They were getting ready to create a transgender mentorship program. I used to work with the head of their DE&I group back when I worked at Genentech. So when they were getting ready to create this transgender mentorship program, he was like, wait, hold on. I know the expert in this. So I used to go out and work with different school districts to educate them on transgender policies and transforming all of their thoughts and their beliefs in how they showed up so that they could support their students. So they reached out to me. It was a really great opportunity. Although at the time I was planning on just working with individuals, of course, this is a passion that I have is to help the LGBTQ community.

So if there is a company that wants to create a program, that's going to support the LGBT community. I'm there. I'm all about helping people to develop their new programs and any of their processes that go along with it. One of the things that is helpful when someone is developing a new program, whether that's a corporation or a coach, is to do customer research. So I thought, well, what better way to do that then to do a panel of transgender individuals to come and share their stories. And since I'm in the coaching industry, I decided, well, let's create an opportunity for transgender coaches to be those individuals that come on the panel. Because as coaches, we understand how important it is to share our story so that we can start changing the world. So that is how Jay and I met. Jay became one of the panel members for this corporation. And it was so amazing because although they only got to meet Jay for a short amount of time, Jay and I developed this great friendship, we got to talk several times. And we learned that we have so much in common, including being parents to children with special needs, with mental health challenges. I want to bring Jay on to share with you everything that they've gone through, being a binary, human being, a parent of a child with special needs, and also all of this stuff about how in the coaching world, you can support corporations. So Jay is going to share some of their ways that they interact with even getting corporate customers and what those programs look like. So that if you're thinking of being a coach, and you're thinking about creating a program, you might want to consider corporations as part of your customer base. And you might want to consider some of these different pieces that Jay's going to share with you to include in your business model.

And I want to share with you before we jump into the interview, there will be a trigger warning on this. So Jay and I both have experienced depression in our life, suicidal ideation. We will touch on some of those. And we're also going to talk a little bit about genitals. So if that's something that you're not comfortable with, this might not be the episode for you, or you might just choose, you can always fast forward through those, those small parts of the interview, because this interview is so packed with information. It's so valuable, it's really going to help you in your journey. So let's get started. It is my pleasure to introduce to you Jay Pryor,

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Gretchen:

Jay, thank you so much for coming to spend some time with me today and for my listeners to get to meet you because you are a pretty fantastic person. I really, really enjoyed getting to know you over the last couple of months. So, can you introduce yourself to my audience please?

 

Jay Pryor’s Story

Jay:

Sure. First of all, Gretchen, thanks for having me. It's been so much fun getting to know you. I feel like I have a new friend. My name is Jay Pryor and I am a speaker, author, executive coach and LGBTQIA may rephrase that to 2S LGBTQIA+ Trainer. So all of those things, and I'm also a husband and a Maddie to two kids and I live in Lawrence, Kansas.

Gretchen:

Nice, nice. So I have questions already off the bat. So first the S so a lot of people know LGBT some know the Q the I, the A and the plus, and like all of the other letters, but what is 2S.

 

What Does 2S In LGBTQIA2S+ Mean?

Jay:

Two-Spirited is 2S and essentially people who are indigenous people have used the term two-spirited to represent themselves who are people who are non-binary or transgender, or don't show up as fitting in the pink box or the blue box is I would say And they're indigenous people, and so we want to make sure we acknowledge them because they're not it's not that they're not included, obviously they're queer people, but they have a very distinct distinction within their own tribes. And we want to really make sure that we honor that. And so, especially lately it's been showing up, and I want to, every time I've learned something new myself. I've known about the term two-spirit for a long time, but I haven't heard it tagged onto the LGBTQIA. And I just recently heard that and I wanted to start, you know. Every time I hear something new, I want to kind of affirm it and continue to teach it because I just think it's important we include everybody.

Gretchen:

Yeah, absolutely. I'm so glad that you shared all of that. I had heard about two-spirit probably about four or five years ago, but honestly, I, sometimes I just have a hard time saying all of the letters,

Jay:

It's an alphabet soup.

Gretchen:

It definitely is. And all of the flags, right. I think the last time I looked, I knew of about 16 different flags and now there's even more. And in fact, my daughter just shared with me that the lesbian flag it has like these different colors, including like, like a brown and a maroon. And I thought, well, I thought it was a pink triangle. It actually has all of these other colors. So that was, that was new for me to learn. So it's always evolving. Yeah. Pretty cool.

 

What Is A Maddie?

Gretchen:

So you also mentioned the term Maddie, but what is a Maddie

Jay:

As a mom-daddy, I'm a, non-binary human and I use they/them pronouns. And when I went to using they/them pronouns, a lot of my friends who are either their gender is butch identified or they're non-binary identified go by the term Maddie. And so when I switched to they/them pronouns my oldest who is also a young trans fem boy. And we talked about it and he would love to start calling me Maddie. So he started to call me Maddie then. And I really love it because I've never identified myself as a man. I know it's a weird conversation for people because when you look at me or you hear me, you think, well, there's a guy, but I'm not. I never have been, and I've never wanted to be. And so I love the term Maddie because it gives, it makes me into that, you know, both that I am or neither. And so I love that it's stands for mom, daddy, which is Maddie.

Gretchen:

I love that. That is a fantastic term.

Jay:

Another term that's fun that my wife uses is hersband. I don't know if you've heard that one. A Hersband and some of my other butch friends, their wives call them their hersband. 

 

Gretchen:

So you've made a profession out of speaking and coaching and with the LGBT, well, not with the community, but helping the community. Right?

Jay:

I think so. I mean, I started out as a coach back in, when I was 39 back in 2004 or 2005. I started my business in 2005. And my business was predominantly focused on just coaching and consulting. And then I wrote my book, which is called "Lean Inside: 7 Steps to Personal Power." And it was focused. It's a personal guide to transformation for women. It's a practical guide because I'm very practical. I like to put things in practical, practical steps. And so, and I like them short. My book is short, it's 98 pages.

Gretchen:

I appreciate that.

Jay:

Thanks me too. I have more half-read personal development books on my shelves and I can tell you about. I've actually purged recently. So I don't have very many. But I just, you know, they get so thick. And so I wanted it to be thin. I wanted it to be something women could carry in their purse and just turn to any page. And so, my signature transformational process was really my business. And, on the side of that, since I've been out as a queer since I was 18, I have always done activism work. And education work more than I've done activism, but my form of activism is being out and educating and sharing my story. So I've been doing that since I was 18 years old. Or really in my twenties is when I started getting into activism in college and started creating workshops and realizing that I could make this kind of different. So I started flexing my muscle around making workshops and doing queer trainings in my twenties. I didn't become a coach and executive coach and start my own business until I was in my thirties. But that, that underlying queer piece has always been there. Then in the last few years, as companies start investing money in educating their teams on LGBTQIA2+, education, then I've, then it's actually turned into more,something I get paid to do. So, essentially I'm doing the same stuff I've been doing since I was in my twenties. Only now I'm getting paid for it. Which is nice.

Gretchen:

Yeah, that is very nice. I like to help my clients and my listeners to realize that they can take whatever struggle that they've had in their life and that's their obstacle, right. They can turn their obstacles into diamonds. Whatever they have struggled with, and they've tried out all sorts of different ways of helping themselves through that struggle, right. That becomes like their secret sauce, they can use it to help other people. And some people like to go and do this as a side thing. If they're working in a corporation, they can volunteer their time to give back and help people, and some people turn it into a business. With you, what were some of those struggles early on that you were experiencing that made you want to be able to give back at some point?

 

Jay Transforms His Journey Through Experiences As A Suicidal Youth

Jay:

Yeah. I was a suicidal youth. Once I, once I discovered that it was being gay, that was the thing that was wrong with me, because for me, I had been clear that I was not like the other kids. You know, which one of these things is not like the others that was me in sixth grade. When all my friends decided to get into boys and purses and makeup and all those things, I was just gobsmacked by the whole process. So I really got clear that there was something wrong with me in that moment. And when I discovered I was gay, that was the thing that was wrong with me. And so for me, that meant I should kill myself. Because I just was raised Catholic, and I thought I was going to hell and all these other things. And I didn't, my parents, I'm from a very small town.

 

Falling In Loves With Humans Again

Jay:

My dad is the mayor of that small town running uncontested for over 30 years. I mean, everybody knows my family. I'm the youngest of nine in that small town, you know, like everybody knows us. So there's no way that I could have ever come out without people knowing or without being a thing. And so for me, it was like, I just wanted to die. And so I got into that suicidal ideation. I landed in a psychiatric unit when I was 18 and it saved my life. And it had me fall in love with humans. Sorry. I get really moved by that still. I'm also off testosterone.

Gretchen:

Because you're still a human!

Jay:

Yeah. And I'm also off testosterone. I am also very emotional today. That's part of it. It's just part of female, female hormones. Right. So that's what happens. So that psychiatric unit just changed my life in so many ways. And put me on a path towards mental health and understanding mental health and wanting to make a difference. And for me, the thing that was the biggest thing for me is, like I said, I'm the youngest of nine. I have 28 nieces and nephews. I have like almost 30 great-nieces and nephews. And now I think we're on like 15 or 16 great greats. I mean, we have a lot of kids and my whole thing was if I can make it easier for one of my nieces and nephews, right. If one of them has to do with what I had to deal with, I'm not going to do that. So for me, once I got out of that. Once that I could see that I could make a difference for other people to be able to come out and be safe and not be suicidal.

Jay:

And especially if it could mean that for many nieces or nephews, I was all in. So everything I've done pretty much since I was in my twenties around the LGBTQIA has been focused on making youth safe. And in my signature process, which so the Lean Inside process, my book is called Lean Inside. My work, I have a seminar. I have a SAS model. Like everything I do is based on my Lean Inside model. And one of the biggest pieces of that model is understanding how we speak to ourselves and how we, how we speak about ourselves, and how we think about ourselves. And so one of the things that happens, if you're someone who deals with suicidal ideation is it becomes a neural pattern pretty fast. So when something goes wrong still in my life, every once in a while, it's the brain is insidious. Because I have been free from suicidal ideation for a long time. But even still today, once in a while, something wrong, something will go wrong. And one of my very first thoughts would be, you should kill yourself. And so

Gretchen:

I was the only one that was like that.

Jay:

No, that's the thing about the brain that we have to understand is when. A belief is something you've told yourself over and over and over again. And I told myself, I mean, over and over and over and over and over again that I should kill myself. And I had everybody be better off without me and all that stuff for so long that it became a pattern and it became a habit. And soI really teach a lot and in my trainings and everything I do, I teach about becoming conscious of how we're thinking and the thoughts that we're thinking. And to really get clear that those thoughts that are suicidal thoughts are not coming from our higher self. Those are coming from our ego. Those are coming from pain. Those are coming from fear, those are not who we are. And that, you know, me being able to overcome suicidal ideation was part of the basis of me of my teaching everything else. Maybe because if you can overcome this, I like you shouldn't, you can overcome anything.

Jay:

It gets in you, right. It gets in your skin and it's something we keep to ourselves, secret. And so that I think permeates our being in a way that we get shame about. So we don't tell people when we're having those thoughts and when we don't share things, they become a burden that gets really heavy. And so for me,

Gretchen:

I've experienced that firsthand.

Jay:

Yeah. And so when I've so overcoming suicidal ideation for me was totally that struggle that I turned into a diamond now. There's no bigger gift for me in the world than when I have a client who has had a thought pattern that they are a particular way. And then they're able to see that they don't have to go there. Like that's a miracle to people when they've had a thought pattern for so long that to them, it's the truth. It's real, they've told themselves so long that it's a belief that they have that's so deep.

Jay:

When I have a client say to me, I just realized the best thing I've ever heard in my life is a client saying to me, "Jay, I just realized, I don't have to think that thought." I mean, it's mind-blowing, it's life-changing. Because if I don't have to think that thought, that means that I don't have to go down that rabbit hole of all the emotions that go with the thought, you know, all that whole process that we do. It's life-changing. You know, I say this all the time, I'm only 55 and I've got a lot more difference to make, but I'm also very clear that I could die today and know that I have made a difference because I've had enough people tell me, "Jay, I don't have to think that thought anymore. Like I can, I can skip the track. You can see it coming." Right. And seeing it,

Gretchen:

I'm sitting with that thought of all of the impact that you've already had at 55. And I don't know if many people can look back at their life and realize that they've had an impact or, or that they have. A lot of times people will get into a job and they go cause they need to make some money and everybody's got to keep a roof over their head and they go in, they do their tasks and that's it. And then they go about their life. But to actually make an impact on other people's lives in a way where they're not thinking about suicide anymore, or they're not thinking about ending a relationship or whatever it is.

Jay:

Burning it down because that's what they always do. I mean, I do, the woman I'm thinking about the most recent case, like that was a woman who, you know... I often work in tandem with therapists, which I really love because I think coaching and therapy, they're not the same thing. And you know, I'm not a therapist. And so I don't want to get into all of your mental health stuff, but I really appreciate working with a good therapist in tandem with a client. And so I had this client who realized from working with one of her therapists, that one of the things she does is she manipulates for attention in a negative way, because that's a pattern that she learned from having alcoholic parents, right? So she'd been in all these relationships and just when it gets going, she burns it down. You know, I'm like, she just, man. And so, you know, we worked together for, it was about a year. I don't know, or, so, but recently in the last six months, she said to me, I don't have to think that thought, like, I can skip that track and not have to burn this down. Cause I can get back to these thoughts that we have created. Cause we'd been creating a new conversation. If we're going to change something in your life, you have to change your conversation.

Gretchen:

And for our audience, they can't see you. You're using your hands and doing this rotation movement with hands. I see that as you have to practice that thought over again

 

Practicing A New Conversation With Yourself

Jay:

To practice, you have to practice the new conversation and then you have to get an what my process is. You create a new conversation, then you get an action that makes that conversation the truth. Because the thing about our beliefs that are so intense as we think they're the truth. It's not the truth. It's not the truth that you're bad at relationships. It's not the truth that you suck at math. It's not the truth that you're terrible with finances. It's not the truth that you can't lose weight or that you'll always be in debt. Like all these things that you say to yourself that you've believed, or you've told yourself since, especially if it's something you've told yourself since you were young and you've had a lot of momentum going with that thought.

Gretchen:

I like that, a lot of momentum going with that thought.

Jay:

It's a lot of momentum, right? It's hard to stop a thought, like a train. But once you practice and you keep practicing and practicing, eventually it's more like stopping a thought that's before that train goes down the hill, you know what I mean? It's a lot easier to stop it when it's a car. When it's at the top of the hill. I studied a lot of Abraham and that's an analogy that Abraham uses, which is if there's a car sitting at the top of a hill in San Francisco, you want to stop it before it goes down the hill. That's the momentum with thoughts. We give them a lot of momentum, they're harder to stop. And we have to then create action that makes whatever thought or new conversation like that. Here's the thing about my work that I think is the most important, because I do believe in affirmations that they have to be thoughts and conversations that we create, that you can believe. Yes. So if you're someone who really believes has been up until now believes that you hate your guts. I'm not going to tell you to start saying, looking in the mirror and saying, I love you because what you're you are, what I call your BS or your belief system is going to go, that's BS. That's not true. That's not true.

Gretchen:

And I found that sometimes we have to bridge the thoughts like

Jay:

Baby stepping it out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Gretchen:

I used to have a lot of self-image issues and just hating how I looked and I, yeah. And I'd look in the mirror and just like, I just want to tear my body apart. Cause I just hated it. But then to start with that baby step thought of, I have a body as opposed to, I hate my body. Yeah. It's like I have a body, and practice that one over and over instead of the, I hate and then eventually start moving towards the things that I appreciate about my body still. Like I've been doing a lot of things to my body and my body is still flooring and going. It's like, I really appreciate that my body hasn't given up on me.

Jay:

Yes, yes. That's exactly what I'm talking about. And then you have to get an action that makes those thoughts true. Right. If it's true that you appreciate your body, what action could you do that then makes that true. And then next thing, you know, six months down the road, baby, stepping into it, you're able to say, you know, whatever it is. I like to have people start with things like I'm willing to, I'm open to, I'm starting to, a lot of times the first affirmation that people leave, my very first coaching call with is "I'm on the right path." Like I've started on the right path. Because up until the time that they hire me, they've been spinning their wheels because they're still in that same old conversation over and over and they can't get out of it. So, you know, when you hire a coach, one of the things that you've done, when you hire coaches, you threw down the gauntlet, you know, like you're, this is it.

Jay:

We're getting to work. And I guarantee you I've been doing this for a long time and I've never one time had a client that couldn't transform something with. You know, like if you're willing to work with me and you know, and we have to get clear about what you want. Because as humans, we tend to focus on what we don't want. Right? What we focus on always gets bigger. So we have to make sure we're focusing on what we want. But if I work with a client and they're clear about what they want, like I guarantee you, we're going to get it. You know, we're going to, if you don't quit, we're going to get it. And so when you've hired a coach, you've kind of thrown down the gauntlet and said, I'm in it. Like I'm really willing to do the work. And so that first affirmation is I'm on the right path. We're gonna start. We're gonna, you know, and then we go from there, we baby, step out a conversation. We baby step out their actions.

Jay:

The other thing too, is that with my clients, I'm always in this conversation as a coach. I'm sure you have that. You get this. Like I have to walk my walk. I have to talk my talk, you know, talk when I walk, Walk, when I talk all the things. And so I'm always in a conversation of transforming something myself, and I'm very open about sharing all the things I've had to transform. Right? And there's new things all the time.

Jay:

When I became a parent, I wanted to be a parent, my whole life. I got kids and I hated them. I didn't want to be a parent. Didn't like, it didn't like it at all. Then my wife has to deal with traumatized babies, special needs babies. And then this big baby that I'm, I'm a baby and God love her. She, you know, now she is with, you know, I am someone who will say yes, that's happening, but I'm committed to transforming it. Right. So I did everything I had to stop saying. And that's the thing, too. People have to get, you have to stop saying that thing you've been saying, right. So if you catch yourself saying something like I hate being a parent, right. And you can't get rid of your kids. Right. So you've got to transform that. You have to stop saying that, you know, you have to stop saying those things that you don't want to affirm in the world and start saying something different. And so I stopped saying that.

Gretchen:

I find that it's helpful to write down what was the exact triggering event. What was the thing that happened? The neutral thing and noun in a verb that caused that thought to pop up. Because if we can go back those things and rewire how we thought that particular triggering event, then you never even get to that old thought pattern anymore. Yeah.

Jay:

With me hating kids, I didn't expect to hate kids. So it wasn't like, I mean, I guess it was a triggering event to some degree of just onboarding kids with special needs. That I didn't know about but when you have a kid with special needs, you don't know about that. It's day-to-day. I mean, you know about this, It's day-to-day.

Gretchen:

I definitely know about this.

Jay:

It's a day-to-day like ongoing adventure into the unknown of mental health that you don't know.

 

Being A Parent Of A Child With Mental Health And Physical Needs

Gretchen:

It's hard enough to be a parent, but to have a parent with a child that has special needs either physical needs or mental health needs. Yeah. It's, it's a different challenge because now you're, you know, especially with the mental health ones now, not only are you dealing with your triggers to their behavior, which, you know, any parent has to deal with that anyway, but trying to help the kid to see what their triggers are and helping them with their mindset or their processes or how they can manage it so that it doesn't trigger them. Because if they're not triggered, you're not going to have that triggering event of them reacting in some way.

Jay:

And for us, that has been an ongoing process from the age of two. My son is 11. And he's had a great six months. It's been a miracle cause we've got, you know, like there's things we've unlocked that we didn't know. And that thing about mental health is what you don't know, you don't know. And so, for example with my son, we realized recently that anxiety, we had no idea. We knew he was anxious. We knew there were signs of anxiety. We had no idea what a game-changer would be to get him on anti-anxiety meds. It's been a complete game-changer. He's got, I mean, it's just been unbelievable. So, you know, you don't know what you don't know. And, and with mental health also, they don't know. They don't, they know as much as they know, but they don't, every human is different. And my son has a duplication on three different chromosomes. So he has a duplication on his first, 15th, and 16th chromosome. When we found that out, when we first got him as a foster child, the Geneticists said, we don't know.

Gretchen:

Oh, well, that's not helpful. They're the experts. We're looking to the experts to help educate us. And if they don't know, then what?

Jay:

They don't know. And so they, he said I can guarantee you that he will have behavior issues, but that's all I can tell you. If there were deletions on those chromosomes, we would know that autism would be there. But with duplications, we haven't ever seen that before. So we don't know. So then when he was like four, I think four years old, we found a occupational therapist that said that she had learned some recent research with duplications leading to sensory seeking behavior. So we knew that that had a link piece.

Gretchen:

So sensory, sensory seeking as opposed to avoiding. What's the difference?

Jay:

Here's the joy of it. I'm sensory avoiding. Loud noises. Lots of stimulation at one time is a little much for me. Like I, you know, and I'm an extrovert like, Ooh, I love to be out there doing all the things. But put me in a situation like Vegas, where you've got music going. Here's Vegas, you have the ding ding mingling, meaning from slot machines, right? You've got the club music. Right? So add that thing and then cigarette smoke. Right? I am miserable. Some people really enjoy that, but for me, wow, that is not a good time. So if I'm, I've gone to a conference in Vegas on the strip, I'm like, oh, I'll just stay in my room. You know? Cause it's too much. So that's over, like, I'm a sensory avoider. I'm going to avoid overstimulation.

Jay:

My son is a sensory seeker. So every moment of his life he's banging on something right. Constantly loud, loves loud noises. As a child would smell things that are weird, still loves weird smells. He loves weird smells. He loves loud noises. He throws his, he has proprioception. So he has no idea where he is in space and time. So he throws his body onto the ground often. He used to when he was a baby and not medicated a lot more. But slams his body into things because to feel the, feel the sensory thing. Oh yeah. And anything curiosity-wise, he also has no impulse control. So for the time his brain has slow processing speed and no impulse control. So by the time his brain thinks maybe that's not a good idea, he's already done it. Like he threw a gallon of green paint down our stairs.

Gretchen:

Oh, that's fun. Oh, I love that. Oh boy. Yep.

Jay:

Put a hole in the wall and dumped green paint all over the carpet and landing.

Gretchen:

How did you manage for you, so you didn't lose your sanity? I'm sure that you had your moment, right?

Jay:

That was a good one though. Because it depends on the day, my goal and part of, part of, as a coach that we know is that what we track, we get. And so I started tracking the time it went in between the times I kind of lost it. As a human, you can't not do that. And I used to really beat myself up and make myself wrong, which makes it worse. And that's the thing that people have to understand. So when you're making yourself wrong, it doesn't help anything. Like you're beating yourself up. It doesn't help anything. It just makes it worse. And so I had to give up that I was a horrible person, right. Because I would lose it in times like that. But I started keeping track of how long I could go between times because that kind of behavior happens all the time. He also took our PlayStation, took it out of the console, walked upstairs, walked outside and smashed on the sidewalk.

Gretchen:

Hmm. Fun.

Jay:

So it depends on the day, but the particular day of green paint, I was in a relieved place and it was just like, okay, let's get some towels, clean it up. You know, now that's not happening every time.

Gretchen:

Right. Oh yeah.

Jay:

Just the other day he picked up a whole handful of sand and threw it as hard as he could at our heating and air conditioning unit outside. Right. And out of my mouth before I ever knew it was coming, it was like, what is wrong with you? Right. Which is the worst. The worst thing you can ever say. Right. Right.

Gretchen:

But I kind of laugh because yeah, that is our primitive brain. Like that's just, that's being human. Right. That's normal for us in doing that, but we know that there can be conflicts.

Jay:

There's a big impact on him. Yeah.

Gretchen:

We don't want to do that with our kids

Jay:

I have to make sure I say to him, that was inappropriate for me to say, like, that was not okay for me to say, there's nothing wrong with you. You have impulse control. We know this about you, we've met you.

Gretchen:

I've had to apologize to my kids for my reactions.

Jay:

I think apologizing is. So for me, the one thing I could say that I've been consistent and good at even back in the day when I was, felt like I was a horrible parent. If every time I screwed up, I apologize every time. And I just tell them, I'm human. I screwed up. You don't deserve that. You know, it's not about you, not about you as one of our phrases here in our family. Not about you, that's not about you. That's all over here. But yeah, I think that, that, I'm very proud of because you know, you and I grew up in a different generation and I'm even older and you know, my parents didn't have me until they were 46 and 51. And so they were born in... My mom was born in 1950 and my dad was born. No, my mom, my dad was born in 1915 and my mom was born 1920.

Gretchen:

With that, they then have a different viewpoint on things. Yes, absolutely.

Jay:

They had nine kids, you know,

Gretchen:

Different dynamics and how they parented kids. Yes.

Jay:

And my parents never apologize for anything. My dad never apologized for anything not to me. And so for me, that was a big thing for me of having parents. Modeling behavior is like, you, you're always gonna we're human. We're going to screw up. Right. The thing I love the most about the one of the best muscles, I think of doing all this work and being a coach is I've got this really big muscle and being able to clean up my own messes. And so it gives me a lot of freedom to be fully self-expressed as a human because if I do screw up, I can clean it up. I can, you know, so I have permission to just swing way out there and, you know, just go full on and be me. And then if I hurt somebody in the process, I can clean it up. But I do my best to just, you know, my commitment is that when you're with me, you leave loved up and acknowledged and appreciated and you know, known. Like I want people to be known when they're with me. I always, I'm not, I don't always make that mark, you know, sometimes I fail. And so, but when I do, I know how to clean it up. Yeah.

Gretchen:

And that actually is a topic that I've seen come up in a couple of coaching communities that I've been in is that, yeah. As coaches, sometimes we make mistakes and having to even get some extra support on cleaning up your mess and like going and talking to your client and owning what your mistake was. And sure the client might decide that they don't want to work with you anymore. They might not have even been aware that you made a mistake. Right. But the fact that you're cleaning it up, it gets you back in integrity with yourself and that's the most important. And it also is role modeling for your client that they can have permission to have mistakes, too. And what do you do when you do make those mistakes? Yeah. Part of the learning process is real modeling, being human for our clients

Jay:

Absolutely a hundred percent.

Gretchen:

So you work with corporate clients, but also individuals. So tell me all of the things. So we help people with their business models, too, because there's many people that are interested in becoming coaches or creating their own businesses where they're giving different products and services. So what are all the different pieces of your business model?

 

Jay’s Business Model

Jay:

Well, my first business, like the way I get business and my business model is predominantly to get booked to speak. Every time that I speak either a woman hears me that wants to be coached by me or a company hears me that wants me to speak at their company. Or a company hears me that wants to bring me in for their employees. So those are the avenues that I touch. I speak in places. I do trainings for their employees in places with my Lean Inside Model. So I have a SAS model. So, I go into companies, I do live trainings, but then the employee's also have access to this online platform where we push a new video to them every month. The companies, especially the small businesses I work with use that as content for their monthly training meetings and things like that.

Gretchen:

Oh that's a great idea

Jay:

Yeah, so the company is always in a conversation about Leaning Inside and having their employees engaged in that. And so I speak, I go into companies and train, I do live trainings and companies, and then I coach and consult. I do consulting work especially on the 2S LGBTQIA+ side is a lot about CEOs and helping them navigate that world. Even teaching them to say they/them pronouns is something that I consult with. And then the coaching piece, my favorite people to coach are entrepreneurs. I love business and I love to build business and I love to work with small business CEOs. I do a lot of work in agency in Ad agencies. And so there are a lot of ad agencies that have small, like 25 to 50 person businesses. Those CEOs are a lot of fun. My favorite is to work with a CEO of a small company and help them navigate their, build their business and then navigate business decisions. And for me, the world of business and personal development, those two married, like that's my favorite thing in the world.

Gretchen:

That was one of the things when I was working in corporate is that I saw the leaders would always get personal development opportunities. So workshops would be brought in, but only for the leaders, there would be educational budgets, but the bigger budgets like to go out to conferences and, you know, any type of personal development was mainly for the leaders. There were a few things that were for people that weren't leaders. And so when I say leaders, I mean people leaders, and that was one of the challenges with the group that I was in. We were coaches for the whole organization, but we didn't have direct reports. So we were out there like I was coaching the head of the site and half the C-suite, but there had been no personal development that would be given to me or my group because we weren't people leaders. So I had to go out and get developed on my own, learn all of the skill set on my own. And eventually they decide, oh, it might be a good idea to include our coaches in with the rest of the personal development. And I thought, well, why aren't you offering this to all of your employees? You know, there were some coaching apps that started to become available, like Better Up Coaching and that was available, but only to people leaders like, well, what about the rest of your employees?

Jay:

Yeah. That doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Yeah. And for me, one of the things that's important because of my Lean Inside work, I have a forum for lack of a better word. It's a document it's called My Happiness and Productivity Workout. And it's a little quiz that I give and it's got seven focus areas. And I have people, I do a workshop on it and I have people grade themselves on a scale of one to 10. So one means that they're stinking it up in that area. And I invite them to be proud stinking ended up because we're all human. I really coach from a place that we're all human and you got to embrace that. Like you got, you have to embrace the fact that you're human and you're going to do this stuff. And so watching yourself as a human is really silly. If you can watch yourself how silly you can be, we're judging and assessing people all the time or judging, assessing ourselves all the time.

Jay:

It's a constant never-ending chatterbox up there just, you know, judging and assessing. So I have them gauge themselves on a scale of one to 10. One means they're stinking it up. And 10 means they have it mastered. And the areas start with the very first area is prioritizing time for yourself. So I work with a lot of C-suite executives who set a model in their companies of overwork and no work-life balance. And then, you know, and so when I go into a company, that's the, one of the very first things we address is that BS. So silly. Life's too short for that.

Jay:

And then, but the next area and that this really speaks to culture, the whole thing does, but this next area is my favorite. It's called watch your mouth. And again, it goes back to what we started the conversation with, which is how do you speak to yourself. How do you speak to other people? How do you speak about the business? How do you speak? Do you make requests or do you have complaints? So I go in, and I say, if you have a complaint, you have a request. And so if you have something to complain about, you must think there's a better way to do it. So you must have some requests to make them somebody. So let's make the request instead of the complaint. Let's and then I give them a phrase which is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true? And if it's not kind, necessary, or true, shut your mouth, like it's not. Because as humans, we tend to bond with each other, through our trauma, through our negativity, through all those things. And when I go into a company, I want to shift that culture, to have them start focusing on what's working and the good work they're doing and how great, you know, those kinds of things, rather than trashing the CEO or trashing each other you know, that whole world of gossip.

Jay:

And so that whole worksheet is how we really focus on cultural things. Like even teaching people, not to take anything personally. The reality is it's never about you ever, ever ever. It is never about you. It's all about what's going on over here, right? I mean, we don't know what people have been through. We don't know what kind of day they're having. It's clearly not about you though. So even teaching that. And the other thing that I really love to teach that I think is important. And part of my process is understanding how your brain works. You've wired yourself

Gretchen:

And that's rarely ever taught!

 

Overcoming Being Emotionally Hijacked

Jay:

People don't understand emotional intelligence at all. They just really do not get how their brain works. And because they don't understand that they do things like they get hijacked, mostly hijacked and their brain has flooded out their executive function. They're still talking, shut your mouth. Stop talking. You do not want to talk to people when you are hijacked and your brain has washed out your executive function, you're an idiot. You don't want to be open to your mouth.

Gretchen:

I love your term, emotionally hijacked. I saw that a lot in your book. And I was like, yes. When you can give someone a term that they can lock onto, it's like, it makes it a lot easier to talk about things. I was emotionally hijacked. I'm gonna go take a pause.

Jay:

Yeah. Yeah. That's Daniel Goleman's term. He talks about it because if your cortisol floods out your executive function, your right and left prefrontal cortex, that's flooded out. And that's where you focus and do all your reasoning work. The bridge is out people don't, don't, don't tread there.

Gretchen:

And in the working environment, if someone is feeling emotionally hijacked and you're still trying to push through and do work, your work is not going to be a good quality,

Jay:

Not at all. And, and you know, one of the things we talk about a lot in diversity, inclusion work and diversity, equity, and belonging work is the intention versus impact, right? And it's the same thing. I know you have an intention to just barrel through and get the work done. But the impact is A, you just like probably alienated seven people and B, your work is not what you, that's not you. Like, that's not your best quality of work is not you. When you're emotionally hijacked, that's not gonna serve you at all. You have to wait until that cortisol gets all the way down.

Gretchen:

One of the terms that we used when I was still working in corporate was you're leaving bodies in your wake.

Jay:

Exactly. Exactly. They're leaving bodies in their wake. And just like you said, when you're emotionally hijacked, you don't, you gotta be conscious enough to like, whoa, hold up. And most people aren't like, most people, we weren't taught that stuff. We're still not teaching that stuff enough. Right. My kids, it's interesting. Because my kid has special needs because he's on the spectrum. And because he's, you know, got all these differences and thank God we've, you know, are privileged people and have access to services. At 11, he's had psychosocial training since he was three. So he can actually tell you way more than most kids, he has emotional regulation, right? Like he can say things like, I'm sorry, I lost my temper. I was just overwhelmed. Yeah. Now, most 11-year-olds can't tell you that. Right. They're not going to know, oh, I just blew it because I was overwhelmed. I was really mad. Like, he's really good at that kind of stuff. But most kids, even today, we're not teaching the level of how much we as humans have a tendency to not appropriately place our emotions. So we can be upset about something that happened at home and then, and not deal with it. And then something happens at work and pow, we explode, right. Or something like that, same deal. We could be upset about something at work. Somebody says something at home, you know, we displace our emotions a lot and we aren't taught enough to understand what's really going on.

Jay:

One of the things I've transformed and I've gotten so much better about is that when I'm about to speak or if I'm going on stage, or I have a big thing, I'm doing big training, I'm doing. I get nervous and I have never been present to being someone who's anxious. So instead of acknowledging that I was anxious, I always just get cranky and get mad and people are in my way. And I can't like, I've got this thing to do, get out of my way. You know what I mean? It's like, I get really cranky. I get really cranky. And so I've learned that if I just stop and say to my wife, you know what, I'm really nervous or I'm really scared or whatever it is and get a hug, then it makes all the difference in the world. But it took some, you know, it took many times of me having this experience that I have a workshop to give that morning, or have a speech to do that day and being cranky with my kids in the morning to note or realize that, oh, I'm anxious. And so that anxiety has coming out sideways on my kids. Now I am blessed to be a trained, very well-trained human being. So I have had a lot of training and I'm ongoingly training and developing myself. So I have that awareness, like I can have that awareness and be like, oh, I can transform that. But most humans don't have the awareness to note that this thing I'm looking at, that's making me nervous, is having me be maybe angry over here or having me, you know, we displace our emotions a lot as humans. And I think that most of that's because we're not trained to.

Gretchen:

So I love that you're a corporate trainer, because as you go out, you're training people and you get to have like a one to many, right? So it's like you do one-on-ones, but you can also train a lot of people at the same time. And as they're learning how to do this emotional regulation, they not only get to learn how to do that for themselves. And they can perform a lot better at work. They can have better mental health. It radiates into their personal lives too, but they also become like those unofficial coaches within a corporation that when they see someone else who wasn't there at that training, they can step in and be able to help

 

Becoming A Public Speaker

Jay:

That's why speaking is my predominant, it's my love. I mean, I love being on a stage. Speaking is just an absolute love for me. And I get that opportunity to make a difference with up to thousands of people at the same time, you know, one time. And so for me, there's no bigger, better thing to do in the world than to get out on stage and make a difference for 1200, thousands of people at one time, it's just it's mind-blowing for me that I actually get to do that. It feels like a gift that I get to do that. I've always had this drive to speak and I've done stage work forever and stuff like that. But when I really got, oh, man, I love to speak. I don't know why I'm not doing that more. And then I got, had someone point out to me. Yeah. You can also make a huge difference with a lot more people at one time. It was like, oh yeah, I haven't, why haven't I been doing that before. So yeah, that's part of the reason I want to do that model is because I feel like I could make a bigger difference with more people.

Gretchen:

I love that you have so much love to spread in this world. This is great stuff. So how can people start to learn about you and engage you or even hire you for your services?

Jay:

Sure. My website is jaypryorconsulting.com. That's. My name is spelled all the way out. JayPryorConsulting.com.

 

Gender Reveal Parties

Jay:

The other website that is mine is called TheGenderRevealParty.com. You can see my show, which is called The Gender Reveal Party there. It's up there and you can go watch the whole show for free. We'd love a love donation if you want to give it to us, but we're not. The whole deal is we just want people to really understand that genitals and gender are not the same thing. And that these gender reveal parties that they're throwing are doing so much damage to all kinds of humans. That I really, if I could do anything in the world more in my lifetime it's to drive that message home, because these genital reveal parties that they're having are revealing unborn babies genitals to people, and it has nothing to do with gender.

Jay:

Those kids are still going to grow up and figure out what they are. It's, you know, so revealing sex parts, as far as I'm concerned is a little weird, but Hey, that's a thing. So I have a one-human show that I did and it's up there and it also has all different kinds of videos. We're in the process of making them right now. We've have a few up there right now, but we're in the process of making more. And just little educational videos. Right now we have one up that's LGBTQIA, we're going to change that. It's going to be 2SLGBTQIA.

Gretchen:

I love how you keep evolving it.

Jay:

I'm evolving it. I got to keep evolving it. So that's the work of the, in terms of the Gender Reveal Party and the work I do. In the show and something that I think is for me, one of the most important pieces is that I was a classically trained female. So I was assigned female at birth, and I was a classically trained female in the seventies and eighties. And you know, we as females and women, we are taught things like anybody can touch your body whenever they want to. You are here to serve people. All of those things and the hatred of women that I've, that I am present to having been handed white male privilege overnight, is that how it felt really goes hand in hand with transphobia and homophobia. When trans women are getting murdered and killed and or a gay man is getting bashed. It's because they've flipped those gender norms on people and it freaks them out. And that's all about hatred of women and misogyny. And, you know, we hate everything, women, and we hate everything feminine and we're going to kill it. So, and especially if you've given up your privilege to go be a woman, we really want to hate that. So I want to love the transphobia out of people. That's my commitment.

Jay:

I've had that commitment forever, and it's not always been easy to maintain that it's, you know, people can be really mean sometimes. So it's hard to love them sometimes when they're being so mean, but I have a powerful commitment to love the transphobia out of humans. And my TheGenderRevealParty.com website is completely committed to that conversation.

Gretchen:

And for corporations or organizations that have large pools of people, is it okay if they display those videos up on like a large screen in front of their people right off of your website?

Jay:

They can, if they want to You know, the Gender Reveal Party I get raw and real. One of the things I talk about as I've been sharing my story for 35 years, and I've always been committed to loving the transphobia out of people and being real gentle with them. And I ripped the bandaid off in the Gender Reveal Party. So I talk about childhood molestation, suicidal ideation, you know, I get re rape. I get real about what it is to be a woman in this world and what it is to be a queer in this world. And so I talk about those times I got punched in the face and I talk about the time that two boys took me out really, really drunk. And you know, like there's a lot of stuff in there. So I would advise people, watch it first, but yeah, I'm happy.

Jay:

I mean, I just have this belief that, and I've had so many people be like, you're crazy. Don't give that away for free. I don't, I'm not concerned about that. I feel like if you know, people see it, that they're going to want to go deeper with me probably. Or that it will at least create a moment for them to go, Ooh. And you know, you've seen the show, but I have women tell me all the time that that classically trained female piece for them really hits home and really has them start to look at, and this is what I want is I want people to stop doing gender just because somebody told them, that's how they have to do it. I want somebody to be able to wake up in the morning and be like, whatever I want to wear today, I can wear whether I'm I have a penis or vagina or both. I don't, you know, like what you pink as a color. So what you put on your body, I want it to be an expression of you not what's been dictated to you by your classic training. And so that I don't care if people see it. I'm gonna take all those videos and watch them for free. And hopefully, you'll send me a love offering or just send me some love. It doesn't matter.

Gretchen:

Jay, I love you. I am so grateful that our paths have crossed and that, I mean, this is a great friendship. Like I just, I want to spend so much time with you all the time.

Jay:

Every time we set up 15 minutes to talk, we talk for an hour. So I know

Gretchen:

We are. So can people work with you? One-On-One like, can you just like reach out to you and say, Hey, I want you to be my coach?

Jay:

Yeah. I have a contact form on my website. So they just have to fill that out.

Gretchen:

On the JayPryorConsulting.com?

Jay:

Yup. They'll fill that out. And then we get back in touch with them and say, you know, I do have a little application on there. I want people to understand when they start coaching that they're going to invest some money. They're going to invest some time. You know that I'm not here. You know, I'm not here. One of the things I learned early on, you probably have this experience as a coach. Some people want to be dragged into their greatness and you're paying me a lot of money. I'm not going to do that. I don't have the energy and the time. And I used to do it. I used to take on clients who were like, you know, say they want something, but then never follow through. I don't do that anymore. So, you know, if you're going to come to work with me, I am particular about who I work with.

Jay:

I don't have, I used to be a client, be a coach that that's all I did. And I, you know, I just coached eight hours a day and I don't do that anymore. And so I'm very particular about who I take, but anybody who really wants to get to work and shift anything in your life, if you really want to do it. And I prefer to coach women. I do coach younger men. I have you know, having been classically trained female, I still have some of that stuff where I can get intimidated by men. If they want to talk over me, then I still get, you know, do that dance sometimes. So I'm a better coach for women. I just am. And I know that that's my strength. SoI tend to focus on coaching women cause that's where I make the biggest difference.

Gretchen:

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day. Do you have any parting, like the last couple of sentences that you would want to share with my audience?

Jay’s Advice To Entrepreneurs

Jay:

One of your questions was about what advice I would give to entrepreneurs? And I love, love working with entrepreneurs. I love working with anybody who is starting to build a business. And when I first started my business, I got given a piece of advice that I always give to other people. And from my very, very good friend, Jill gave me this advice and that was whatever you do, don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever quit. And you'll win. All there is to it. Like business is about numbers. And so all it means is you've got to not quit until you find the right people who want to buy whatever you're selling, but they will like, that's just the way it is like they will. And if you want a coach to help you build that business or to do that, then I'm, you know, I'm always open to that. But I just people really, whatever they're up to if you don't quit. Progress, not perfection, but you will make progress and you'll get to where you're going, but you cannot quit.

Gretchen:

Thank you, Jay. Those are fantastic words. I completely agree. So thank you again so much for coming today. I can't wait until the next time that you and I get to hang out together.

Gretchen:

I know. That's great. We have to find something to do. Cause now we've done a little panel together or done a workshop together. We're doing this. We're gonna have to find something next. Yeah. Awesome. Thanks Gretchen.

Gretchen:

Thanks, Jay. I can only imagine all of the notes that you must've taken. And if you didn't take any notes, you might want to start writing those things down now because there were so many golden nuggets shared throughout that whole interview. If you're an employee in a corporation, I want you to consider sharing the works of Jay Pryor with your boss, with your human resources, with your diversity, equity, and inclusion groups, or with your organizational development specialist. Because Jay brings such a wealth of information and services that can help you and your whole organization. And you as an individual, I want you to go and check out Jay's work because Jay does do one-on-one coaching. And oh my gosh, I can tell you. It's just amazing to be in the room with them. It helps me so much, especially some of those specific topics, suicidal ideation, having a child with special needs, working through all of those things in our head that are telling us that we can't do things or that we have to live in a specific role model or stereotypical way. Jay can help you on an individual level. So reach out, Jay is a wonderful person. I can't wait to spend more time with them, and I hope that you get that chance too. All right. My strong friends, have a wonderful week and I will talk to you soon. Bye

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Thank you for listening to My Freedom Grove podcast.  I can't wait to work with you directly. I'll help you to be your authentic self, to have amazing relationships and to live your purpose. I invite you to check out Unshakable Men and Unshakable Women. The Unshakable programs will give you all of the tools, the coaching and the community to help you rise in life, relationships, and business. To learn more, go to my freedom grove.com/workwithme. I can't wait to see you there.