Post 3: Get Grounded by Developing this One Skill

Do you want permanent relief from thought swirls?

In the last post you learned how to temporarily stop thought swirls.  New or returning thought swirls can happen at any time.  What would your life be like if you could prevent them or break the cycle of returning thought swirls?  Imagine if even 10% of your thought swirls were eliminated.  Would you feel relief?  Are you willing to put in some work to make this happen?  I hope so.  You are worth it!

In this post I'll teach you the first step in the process.  This is the most important step!  It is possible that you will have a quick win for some of your thought swirls just from reading this.  For stronger, more deeply rooted thought swirls, this will be the first of many steps. 

Anatomy of a thought swirl

All thoughts originate from a circumstance.  A circumstance is a fact, usually described as a noun and a verb.  A circumstance is something out of your control because it already exists.  I'm sure you have heard the term "It is what it is."  That is the circumstance and believe it or not, it is neither good nor bad.  It just is.  It doesn't mean anything until someone thinks about it and assigns it meaning.

Let's look at an example.  Picture a dirty bowl in a sink.

1st Thought: That dirty bowl shouldn't be there.

 triggers

Thought swirl 1: People in this house are so lazy

triggers

Thought swirl 2:  Everybody leaves all the chores for me.

triggers

Thought swirl 3:  Nobody respects me and my time.

triggers 

Thought swirl 4: If I stand up for myself they are going to throw a fit and blow everything out of proportion. I'll just wash it.  This is my life.

triggers 

More swirls start on why this is my life, why people treat me this way, why I put up with it, etc....

What was the circumstance (the fact)?  

A dirty bowl was in a sink.  That's it.

It seems pretty obvious and innocent when you are just reading it on the screen.  It's hard to believe that fact could trigger anxiety and it's debilitating symptoms.  It's not the fact.  It's the connection of a series of thoughts that keep swirling. 

Circumstances can mean anything or nothing

Circumstances are just facts that anybody else can observe.  Circumstances don't mean anything.  Meaning comes once we attach a thought to it.

It's completely possible to not attach a thought to something.  For example, when you are driving along the road, how many facts do you pass?  Thousands.  Only a small amount will catch your attention.  Of those, only a fraction will be meaningful to you in the moment.

A fact can mean something different to each person.  Each person has their own mindset -their collection of thoughts and beliefs. Although there may be many thoughts we have in common, each person will have a unique full collection of thoughts and default thought pathways.

Let's continue with the bowl example to explore this further.

Circumstance: Dirty bowl is in the sink

 Person A's thought: The people in this house don't respect me

(triggers feelings of resentment and anxiety)

Person B's thought: I should clean that bowl, I'm such a slacker

(triggers feelings of shame, depression and anxiety)

Person C's thought: Person X is a slacker and should wash that

(trigger feelings of disgust, frustration and anxiety)

Person D's thought: I like a clean kitchen, I'll wash that now

(trigger feelings of optimism and determination)

Person E's thought: The soup last night was delicious!

(trigger feelings of happiness)

Is it all my fault, then? And am I doomed?

No and No.

You may have some outdated and unhelpful thoughts in your mindset.  You collected them throughout you life.  Many without your permission.  It is just part of the human experience to adopt thoughts starting at birth.

Up until now I can understand why you may have felt doomed.  I felt that way too. 

I didn't know there was a separation between facts and thoughts.  I kept blending them together.  Once I learned that they were two different things, I saw where I could take back control.

I don't have to make a circumstance mean anything.  And, if I really want to have it mean something, I can choose a thought that will give me a better feeling than anxiety or depression. 

Foundation skill for freedom

Being able to see the circumstance for what it is, is the foundation skill for finding freedom from the thought swirls.  There are more skills that I will share in future posts on how to choose and manage your thoughts.  But, you need to develop this skill first.

Remember a circumstance is just a noun and a verb.  For most people, it is hard to just state the circumstance.  Our brains work so fast at creating our thoughts.  These thoughts wrap tightly around the circumstance almost immediately.  Often times when I ask clients "What happened?" they launch into a lengthy narrative.  It takes several tries to strip out all of the thoughts to find the circumstance.  It is not easy at first.  It takes a lot of practice.  Just keep repeating to yourself that a circumstance is a fact that anyone can see and agree upon, regardless of their perspective.  It is the bowl in the sink.  That is it.

How to build this skill

Just knowing about this skill is not going to automatically embed it into your skill set.  It is like learning to drive.  You will become skilled the more you practice.  Having another person observe and provide feedback in a non-judgmental manner will be invaluable.  Finding a friend or coach that is not familiar with the situation will help you in the beginning to find the circumstance.  You can also become an objective observer for yourself by documenting the narrative and then analyzing it.

I recommend writing out your narrative when you find yourself in a thought swirl.  Write out all of the details.  Keep writing and writing until it is all out in black and white.  Scan over the words on the page.  Where is the circumstance?  The noun and verb of what happened.  Circle it.

Writing your thoughts out in this manner will help you become an objective observer.  Don't be surprised if your narrative keeps running in your head as you do this.  In fact, it is possible that additional details will be created by your brain for the narrative.  Don't worry, this is normal.  That is what human brains do.  You are starting to learn how to harness your brain and take back control. 

Keep practicing

The more you practice, the more natural it will feel.  You will start to see the circumstance and interrupt your brain from creating thoughts about it.  If you are anything like me, you will start to observe the thought creations in others.  This can be interesting and at times very amusing.  I highly advise that you don't start laughing as you see the illogical thoughts that people come up with for a circumstance.  It takes People Watching to a whole new level.

I hope as you build this skill that you can feel a slight shift to being more objective.  Interestingly enough, this effect is the same effect that antidepressants provide.  It puts a little bit of distance between the circumstance and your thoughts to give you a chance to think and feel differently.

Want more help?

I'd like to invite you to take the Free Online Course:

Free Yourself from Anxiety with Mindset Management

Note: This blog, written by Gretchen Hernandez, first appeared on introspectionsolutions.com in 2018.